Phail: Page 3

True Journal, Saturday, Fall Year 19

When I woke up and heard that damn contraption. I looked at her empty side of the bed. My heart sank. She told me it wasn't hers and I believed her. I'm ashamed to admit, I had a moment of doubt.


The look of pain on my son's face will haunt me forever. Why didn't he let go? Why? How did I fail him? I was there as often as he would let me. He pushed me away. I should have known. Somehow. I should have known.


When René fell like a rag doll from that machine, Lisa gasped as she stood beside me. I fought such a turmoil inside. On one hand, I wanted to grab my son and wrap my arms around him thankful he was alive. On the other, I wanted to shake him for scaring me like this and scream, 'Why?' Didn't he learn from his mother's mistakes? I wished Allyn was the one beside me, feeling this guilt and pain with me.


When I tried to help him up. He yelled at me to get away. He swatted at my hands blindly. The pain was so intense for him. My heart ached. I hated Allyn. I know he's 18 and responsible for his own actions, but this is my boy. My son. She brought this contraption in to my house.


He was beside himself with anguish. He ranted about how it was my fault. I did all this. I expected too much from him. I put too much pressure on him. He finally likes a girl and she has a crush on me. Me? I didn't understand. What girl does he like? That Tinker girl? I just saw her from the balcony that one time... but no... he was talking about Lisa.
Lisa? She doesn't have a crush on me. I was so confused. I was so stunned by everything. I just looked from him to her and back again.
She had tears in her eyes and such a pained look on her face. I fought the urge to wrap my arms around her and comfort her. I couldn't help my son, but maybe I could help her. No, as hard as it was to admit to myself, that was the worse thing I could have done at that moment.


When he passed out at our feet. I was so worried. My head was spinning, Lisa was right there with me. The sun had risen, the kids were going to be up soon. Neither of us spoke for the longest time. She hesitantly touched my arm to get my attention. She told me she would go get Allyn and see to the other two. She squeezed my arm and apologized. Apologized?


By the time Allyn finally got to us, she was so repulsed by our son. The electrical shock had damaged his bladder and he couldn't help himself. He pissed his pants. He didn't mean to. He hadn't done that since he was a toddler. Yet she stood there and lectured him.
I never struck a woman before... and I still haven't... but I sure wanted to. The last thing our son needed was a lecture. He needed help. This was a cry for help.


Console her son. That is what she should have tried in the first place. By the time she got around trying to give the boy a hug, he shunned her... and she was surprised and hurt... surprised? Really? At that moment even I wanted to smack her and I'm her husband. Although I have to say, I was stunned. I thought they were getting close on their nightly star watching... apparently not close enough.


He turned on her quickly. Told her he got the contraption from 'her people' and she knows just how addicting that machine is. He tried hers to begin with and she should never have started if she didn't want her kids to follow her example. While I agree with him, he had no right to yell at his mom like that. After all, she is still his mother.



That's when I had had enough of his antics. While sure I understand he's been under a lot of pressure from school and perhaps from me to get good grades and scholarships and taking over the family home as our heir. That did not give him the right to speak to Allyn in such a fashion.


He got woozy once more and I let him go inside to bathe, eat and sleep. I intended to destroy this contraption and pray another never found its way to our home again.


No sooner did he walk away, Allyn started in on me. She yelled at the top of her lungs. This is all my fault and the floozy. Floozy? Who uses these words. Anyhow I don't see where she gets off blaming me or Lisa for that matter. Yet I let her rant until she finished.


So I told her. There was no way she was going to lay all this blame at my feet. Sure I may not be the best father... I admit my faults and I do my best for my family. I never claimed to be perfect. But she is an adult and needs to take responsibility too.


When I heard that scream from the hallway. I sure wasn't expecting to see René crumpled on the floor.


I lost it at that point. The stress from that morning was just too much. If it hadn't been for the sound of Lisa's voice at the end of the hallway, I would probably still standing there bawling. She called out to Angel to come back, but it was too late. She saw her brother.


I did my best to shield her but the damage was done. I then called for an ambulance but it was too late. He was declared DOA.


I spent countless hours feeling sorry for myself, for our loss.


I could hear my little Angel in her room. I knew she needed me.


I have to be strong for my family. They need me to be strong. The pillar of the family.


Lisa is leaving us. She feels responsible for some how coming between me and my son. Silly woman. She has been nothing but kind to us. I did the unthinkable. I asked her to stay.


I need her. Now more than ever. I practically begged.


She is still going on vacation. She'll let me know when she gets back.

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